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Inspiring Peak Performance

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Steve McNeely's Column
November 30, 2010
An Open Letter to Congress

Dear Lame-duck Congress People:

I am writing this letter to request you enact legislation to make life consistent based on the overarching principle of the new America:

1. By the year 2016 all stove manufacturers must ensure that touching a glowing, hot plate or an open flame will provide a soothing, pleasurable sensation. This will eliminate the unfair and discriminatory practice that allows people who touch a hot stove to get burned while others feel no pain.

2. Passed as soon as possible, but retroactive to Thanksgiving Day, 2010, consuming massive quantities of turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, rice casserole, whole wheat rolls, butter, cranberries, gravy, fine wine, pumpkin pie, whipped cream, pecan pie, chocolate pie, cheesecake, strawberries and ice cream will induce weight loss. This will abolish the unjust effect when those who choose to consume fewer calories and increase exercise become more attractive and fit while the rest of us qualify for a presidential program to eliminate obesity.

3. Before the next general election of 2012, it is incumbent on you to draft and shepherd through both houses a bill that will automatically confer a driver's license to any Homo sapiens infant born within the continental U.S., Alaska, Hawaii, Puerto Rico, and Guam. The driver's license should be presented to the baby, along with his or her Social Security card, in the delivery room. Imagine how the spirits of the country will rise when there is "no driver left behind!"

4. We have made great strides in dumbing down our educational system to the lowest common denominator and have thereby reduced the harmful and divisive feelings of superiority and inferiority. Problems, however, remain in our extracurricular activities. The following must be enacted before you adjourn:
a. The only available seat in the school band shall be first-chair, trumpet. All children who can breathe through their mouth, even if they have to hold their nose with a thumb and forefinger, will qualify for this coveted honor.
b. All schoolchildren, regardless of age, sex, marital status, height, weight, eye-color, or religious conviction shall play first-string quarterback. School athletic budgets must be increased to allow 247 quarterbacks on the field at the same time, each throwing a leather football to an imaginary receiver.
c. Every female shall be named Homecoming Queen; every male Homecoming King. One second thought, that could be demeaning to women. All shall be named "Homecoming Quing."
d. To abolish the damaging notion that some might be progressing above others there shall be no grade levels. All schoolchildren shall hereinafter always be in the first grade and receive a pink star each day by their name for so doing.

This is only a start. I can scarcely imagine what you can come up with in your beneficence, wisdom and quest for equality to once for all eradicate the archaic, obsolete, irreparably harmful and dangerous notion that what one sows, one reaps.